Here Are Today's Meds From the Net

- Two hunters are out in the woods when one collapses. He seems not to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps: "I think my friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

- Test Q & A.

Question "What is a theory?" Student: A theory is a great idea, ganged up on and killed by a bunch of angry facts.

Nitroglycerin was invented at a time when nasal decongestants simply weren't working. Coincidence?

Join the Army. Meet interesting people .... and kill them.

Paper was invented because students tired of etching essays into their desks. Correcting them with "wood out" wasn't easy either.

Headlines:

1-800 Astrology Business Goes Under. They Should Have Seen It Coming.

Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers

Deaf Mute Gets New Hearing In Killing

Actual Sports Quotes (Are you SURE you want to become a professional athlete?):

“I’ve never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.”

“We’re going to turn this team around 360 degrees.”

“I quit school in the sixth grade because of pneumonia. Not because I had it, but because I couldn’t spell it.”

“I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father”

"The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing.”

“Half this game is ninety per cent mental.”

“There is one word in America that says it all, and that word is, ‘You never know.’”

Actual Student Answers To Test Questions:

- Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and travelled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

- The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.

- Actually, Homer was not written by Homer, but by another man of that name.

- Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.

- In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java.

- In midevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature.

- Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died of this.

- During the Renaissance, history began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America whilst cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.

- The moon is a planet just like Earth, only deader.