Think of this as intermission for your brain. I have been surfing the world wide web to find some funny ones. Some of these come from Steven Wright, and some I have plagiarized from others, tweaking them here or there as needed. And a few are my own (I keep working on the humor thing despite my previous, er, "mild success" at the endeavor. Hope springs eternal.
Here are a few of my favorites so far.
- Cross-country skiing is great fun, if you live in a small country.
- Some people are leaving their bodies to science. When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.
- Last time I went to the movies I was thrown out for bringing my own food. My argument was that the concession prices were outrageous. Besides, I haven't had a barbecue in ages.
- I just got out of the hospital. I was involved in a speed reading accident. I hit a bookmark and flew across the room.
- I talk to my plants, but some of them never answer me. So I water them with ice cubes until they talk.
- [Driver's Ed teacher] Some day we'll all look back on this ... and plow straight into a parked car.
- I don't like the sound of my phone ringing, so I hid the phone in the fish tank. I can't hear it now, but I still know when I get a call. One or two stunned fish always float to the surface.
- Yesterday I went to a bookstore. I asked the clerk if she could direct me to the self-help section. She said she'd love to, but that would defeat the purpose.
- Yesterday I bought some batteries. But they weren't included, so I had to buy them again.
- Help wanted. Must be telepathic. You know where to apply.
- How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand.
- 43.65 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
- Buckle up. It makes it much harder for aliens to snatch you from your car.
- Don't buy the gum. Research also shows that 4 out of 5 dentists surveyed abuse the laughing gas at the office.
- Cat Dictionary. Human beings [n. HU muhn BEE ings]: Mobile, warm-blooded furniture, capable of opening cans.
- Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, and a dark side; and it holds the universe together.
- Everyone has a photographic memory. But not everyone has film.
-I couldn't fix your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
- Software Rule #46: Never run life support equipment through windows 95. Patients do strange and acrobatic things.
- I'm experiencing deja vu and amnesia at the same time. I have the strangest feeling I've forgotten this before.
- Despite the cost of living, it's still quite popular.
- Friends help you move. Real friends help people move bodies.
- Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. But TEACH him how to fish, and he'll sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
- Give a man a book of matches and you warm him for a night; light him on fire, and you warm him for the rest of his life.
- The journey of a thousand miles begins with a cracked radiator and broken fan belt.
- I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants.
- If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
- Montana: At least our cows are sane!
- [Redneck kid] My hockey mom can beat up your soccer mom.
- We have enough youth. How about a fountain of smart?
- Californian geometry: the shortest distance between any two points is under construction.
- Time really is the best teacher; too bad it kills all the students.
- You can do more with a kind word and a gun than with just a kind word.
- I believe in gun control. Use both hands.
- Keep honking, I'm reloading.
- A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
- [Rejoinder] Actually, he's more of a party "mineral."
- All I want is a warm bed, a kind word and unlimited power.
- [Viking saying] Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
- Any idiot can face a crisis; it is this day-to-day living that wears you out - Chekhov.
- Any twelve people who can't get out of jury duty are not my peers.
- I'm improving. I now have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
- Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
- Deja Foo: The strange feeling you've met this idiot somewhere before.
- [what a calm psycho thinks] Don't panic. They'll all be Taken Care Of.
- [what a competitive psycho thinks] Don't try to outweird me. I get stranger surprises than you in my cereal boxes.
- D.N.A. -- the National Association of Dyslexics
- Dyslexics of the World -- Untie!
- Paranoid conspiracy rule #4: Every organization is actually headed by the secret agents of its enemies.
- Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth.
- Given enough coffee, I could rule the world.
- U.S. obituaries no longer refer to dead people. Now they name only electroencephalographically-challenged Americans.
- [Lawyer coaching defendant] Now remember, honesty is the best policy, and insanity the best defense.
- I'm single now because my psychic wife left me before we met.
- I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles.
- [Animal rights advocate] I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves.
- Paranoid conspiracy rule #37: Never believe anything until it's been officially denied.
- I no longer fear hell -- I've worked in Retail.
- [Garden Grower's Association Slogan]: I think therefore I yam.
- [Comedian] I try to make everyone's day a little more surreal.
- I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
- IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
- Illiterate? For help with this problem call 555- 1211.
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